White

I wonder how long I've been here. Days? Months? Years? I don't know. I wonder how long it's been since I've seen the bright white sunshine and velvety black night. I wonder how long I've been confined withing the walls of this tiny white room, while smiling doctors and nurses, also dressed in white, try to make me eat the tasteless food. Oh, they smile at me alright, but their eyes-their cold, unsympathetic eyes, they tell me the truth. And the truth is that they're tired of being nice to me, tired of looking after the poor, crazy girl. Well, I don't want any of you to look after me either, doctor. I hate this as much as you do.

The door is opening. In comes Dr. XYZ. He's holding a needle and smiling. Hello, doctor. How are you? Have you come to poke another needle into me, in the hope that I'll get better and go away. Not a chance, doctor. Not a chance. I'm fine, doctor. Absolutely fine. You are wearing a white coat, doctor, and your eyes are cold and white. Do you know I hate white, doctor? I bet you don't SEE. I'm talking to YOU, doctor. I'm holding a CoN-VER-Sa-Tion with you, doctor. I'm telling you my likes and dislikes. Like NORMAL people do. So where was I? Oh yes. I hate white. You see, doctor, that's why I hate this place. Because it's white. White walls, white bed, white gown, white doctors, white nurses. The atmosphere, its cold and white too, doctor. Everything is white, even the food.

Are you approaching me and saying something? What are you saying, doctor? Are you telling me that it won't hurt? But that's white too, doctor. A white lie. Because you see, it will hurt doctor, it will hurt a lot. As you come closer, doctor, I start screaming and thrashing, because I don't want the pain,  doctor. But you don't understand and you smile reassuringly. A white nurse rushed in and holds me down, and you seize the opportunity and plunge the needle into my arm. As the needle pierces my skin, I close my eyes and feel pain, doctor, I feel white pain. Stringing white light flashes beneath my closed eyelids and I see brilliant white stars. When I finally open my eyes, doctor, I see hazy white images. The world spins a crazy white spin. Slowly, sleep overcomes me. It's not white this time, doctor. It's black. A warm, comforting black. With great effort, i pry my sleepy eyes open. You are watching me, doctor. You are watching me with a white gleam in you r eyes. Do you still think I'm crazy, doctor? AM I crazy, doctor?

When The Heavens Opened Up

It's raining again. The air is filled with the smell of the parched earth heaving under the cool showers. Petrichor it's called, someone told me once when I'd used a similar expression. Yes, petrichor, but then this one word could never possibly describe the way I perceive it, can it? It sounds like a bleaching agent. I don't know why, it just does.
There's Eric Clapton's "Walk Out In The Rain" playing softly, tugging at my heartstrings. Clouds cover the sky, and here and there a tiny star dares to peek out. I'm reading one of Pablo Neruda's. And yet another beautiful poem comes to mind.. a thing of beauty is a joy forever.....
A lot of things come to mind, and all of them are invariably brushed aside. I'll think about them, but not today. Here, this moment is just too perfect to ruin with thoughts. I let this breeze wash through me. Maybe I should make myself a cup of coffee... or maybe just not yet. For now, it's just me and the sound of rain, and the smell of rain, and the songs of rain.



{if you thought this post was utterly incoherent, you're not alone. I think the same, but now that I've typed all that in, I don't have the heart to delete it. You read it? My sympathies. But this one was straight from the heart. :) }

Lazy, Lazy Days

Lutyen’s Delhi is beautiful. I love the cool breeze, and the drizzle. As I walk alone on the lovely rainy road, good music blaring in my ears – I feel a smile make it’s way up to my face. Uncles and aunties staring at me. What is it that bugs them so to see someone relaxed, alone, happy? Two bus stops crossed, and finally I reach the Csec metro station. I make myself comfortable on the stairs. My phone beeps to tell me my friend will be late. Good forty five minutes late. Bless that traffic jam. I must be quite a spectacle – my bag on my lap, book in hand, and bottle on side, big smile…stares, stares, more stares. I ignore them all with practiced ease. Today will be my day.

Hours later on the metro, I vanish behind a wall of sweaty backs. My back against the window; I relish the solitude. The metro doors part and push me out on the platform. As I walk my way back home, I am overwhelmed with simple pleasures. My shirt still damp with the drizzle, I recall the hot three rupee chai washing down my parched throat. I recall the amazement on my friend’s face as I strike up a conversation with a perfect stranger. Most of all, I relive the silence, peace and the timelessness of the few hours spent absolutely alone in a public place. Best kept secrets are always carelessly left in the open. No one notices.
Back at home, voices from the other room stab my silence dead with a million words. Heaven. Drop that ‘e’ and you have ‘haven’ staring back at you. Sweet Irony, how bitter can you get? To dos point fingers at me from a wall. Unfinished target lists lie crumpled in the dustbin. As I stretch in my bed, I’m aware of the energy still within me; surplus, excess, waste. Tonight, I shall sleep with a load of guilt sitting square on my chest.

I’ve been told I have unrealistic expectations. From myself, especially. I should lower my standards, learn to be satisfied, let loose. I should also socialize, adjust with friends, watch series of English soaps and be less stuck up. I should accept people’s faults- you can’t have people without any. Why should I be such a snob all the time? Why can’t I just let my pretences down and behave like everybody else? Why don’t I well, basically, get real?

Heh. I can’t do it, because. Glee is not a TV. show. Pleasure is not a scooty.  This is reality. I am glad it is.

Intelligent Life

           Mr. Bunty Ind checked his watch. Two or three more millihops to go. He could not wait to reach Vulcan, reach home to christen his new-born son. He has decided on a name he really liked. It had been given the thumbs-up by all his colleagues and friends too. He made sure it did. After all, he did not want his son to got through the same trauma he had. "Bunty...what a name....would have changed it pronto if I had been there at my own christening, " he thought. Putting down The Centaurian, he looked around at the others on the intergalactic bus- GALAC26ST10.
         The gentleman to his right was surfing like a maniac through the holographio channels...."Must be a Mr. Ame, " thought Mr. Ind. The gentleman on seat UV10 was fingering through a copy of "Grow Your Own Tom-Toms". "Nice morph, " thought Mr. Ind as he observed just the slightest shade of purple blood running in the veins, under the translucent skin. Some old chord was struck in Mr. Ind's heart at the words "Stop playing with your food." He changed his arm-rest and looked at a chinky-eyes kid making bulks of 3-D shapes in the air with his wonton soup. The kid had managed to de-gravitate a small volume of space in front of him and the soup floated as if in a meditative yogic posture. "These wiz kids.." thought Mr. Ind, "getting smarter by the day.. no wonder the FBG (Federal Bureau of Gravitation) is having so much trouble..Mr. Chi.. or Mr. Jap, whoever must be a proud father."
        The space-hostess entered the capsule. The soup fell back neatly into the bowl. Somehow, robots had never replaced space-hostesses. She started, "Please fasten your seat belts. Your anti-jerks have been activated and G increased by 26.4%. The bus ran into a meteor shower. We are cut-off from the bus-hive. We are on independent navigator."
        Suddenly, everyone lurched forward. "It must have been a massive collision...." thought everyone, " to make an impact despite the anti jerker!!" All eyes were on the consteller now. "Navigator striker meteor, 11 fin in diameter. Detour taken. Route beyond map-scope. 30? to the paik, 35? to the paik, 40? to the paik. Returning to trajectory. 120? to the saik, 125? to the saik, 130? to...th....129?....128? unable to return to trajectory. ..return failure. Return failure..unmapped black hole detected..." Suddenly the constellar zapped out. All was dark, except for a faint luminosity. Everyone knew what was happening. "This must be the biggest diasater in megahopsx10z, "said Dr. Aus, giving vioce to everyone's thoughts. They were all being sucked into the black-hole. Soon there would be no light at all.
         The emergency exit of the capsule opened. In no time, everyone would be left entirely to their own devices.
          In other words, each one would be ejected with no devices at all, save V-lungs. Mr. Fra was released, and pressing his nose to the window, Mr. Ind saw him hurtle into the black core till the speck had disappeared. Many people had logged on to the telesympathy service (free every with Nokya Movile). Light had diminished, but there was still some light as they careened through the border-belt of the sphere of inescapable gravity. In the capsule, some passengers decided to utilize the last moment of their lives for a last chat.

Mrs. Jap : I hope Mr. Jap will finish the sushi in the refrigerator before Taurusshine.
Mr. Rus. : What racer does he have? I have (sniff), had a SUPAH NOVA.
Mrs. Jap : Oh, he had, no... no, he has a  SVELTE.. the boot has lots of space for the grocery, you know.
Mr. Rus : My SUPAH NOVA has a streamlined body to attain a maximum speed of....

          Mrs Ger and Mr. Eng had been ejected...all with the same fate. It was Mr. Ame's turn. He floated to the exit, a red sign "UV10" flashed, and he was ejected too. Now, Mr. Ind felt himslef carried to the exit. Suddenly, a piercing alarm was set off, a red light flashed and he was thrown off in the opposite direction. As Mr. Ind flew with incredible speed, he felt his limbs elongating and trunk swelling. Regardless of the weird phenomenon, his brain struggled to find an explanation, until he realized what had happened. The capsule, designed to throw out ticket-less travelers had detected him as one and building up a force against its motion, had thrown him into space, away from itself, away from the black-hole! Mr. Ind had not planned to get caught for keeping up the tradition of his ancestors but felt extremely blessed for the smart legal system for once.
        Suddenly it struck him that he had not inserted his V-lungs that time. So, how was he breathing in the vacuum?  His capacity for anaerobic respiration was barely one millihop. "Surely that must be over by now." Mr. Ind looked down (or up, whichever direction it would be) at his new shock-proof watch and had hardly finished gaping at the irregular timing it showed when he landed on something soft and green, behind a kid called Wolfgang, who was looking at a heap of polythene trash and saying, "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has ever tried to contact us."
        Mr. Ind checked himself for injuries and finding himself in normal dimensions, the configuration of his bones undisturbed and all his body contents within his skin, he proceeded to use his "own devices" and looked around.
        "Green hair on the ground, blue sky, organic pillars or sculptures...." Something triggered in his brain. The pages from his history CD flashed through his head. He realized he had been thrown back in time and was on Earth, probably in a place called Jerm-ninny or was it Germany?
         He thought, "Wow! A new beginning! A new life! A new me!So.. my breathing is explained... but that temporary expansion in my size.." Mr. Ind bit his lower lip as he pondered over the puzzle. He took out his pen, caught a stray scrap of paper flying in the breeze and jotted down . The rest is history....

Love Maybe Lost..... But The Memories Are Not -part 3

A month later

That day, their classes had got over at 2 in the afternoon. An easy time-table is sure enough to make the day for any student.

"Jahnvi, we need to talk. Like, right now!", Aditya said in a rather grave tone. She was standing with some of her female friends in a semi-circle and before he had even uttered a word, they started tingling and teasing her with naughty giggles. 

"Irritating chicks!", Aditya thought with a feeling of disgust. "I wonder why does Manav find this hee-hee-heeeeee CUTE!". 

"Addy, I know we've to talk but could you just wait for sometime, we..."

"Oooooooooohhhh... hmmmmmm..... yeaahh....oye hoyee", the chuckles refused to halt. 

"Shut up girls! It's nothing of that sort", Jahnvi kept saying, as if just for the sake of it, even as her blushing cheeks had another tale to tell.

"What's so funny, girls? I'm not proposing to anyone of you to marry me, am I? Then what is it that's driving YOU chicks so crazy! Or are you giggling for no reason, just to fetch attention? If yes then this eeeee-aaaaaa-oooo-heeeheeeheee won't help, trust me!", not for nothing was Aditya known for being outright straight with his words. And then the girls had been testing his patience a bit too much.

And that worked! The giggly girls left in all frustration, as if humiliated by the truth they won't ever expect anyone to utter, not guys at least, for they may make fun of girls and girly habits amongst themselves, but when talking to a girl, it's like they're the sweetest, politest angels on Earth (A guy's saying, "I love it when you giggle, it's shoo cute!" to a girl = "Such a wannabe I tell you! Laughing and chuckling all the time for no reason at all! Attention seekers...grrrr...these ggggirlsss!!" among fellas. Talk about double standards, eh? )

And the way Addy had imitated them, got them grumbling all the more. "We'll see you later, mister smarty!", one of them warned him before leaving.

"Ooohh! You know what, you just got me trembling with fear!!", he joked, "Ugh ugh, aam sooo scared!!...heee heee heee!", never before did he so thoroughly enjoy teasing someone.

"Addy, grow up! It's not fair!", Jahnvi told him once the gigglers left. 

"Grow up? Ask your birdies to do that miss. And don't deny that you were struggling to hold back your laughter all the while too!", he winked.

"Alright alright, the way you enacted their giggles, it WAS, umm...f.u.n.n.y", she confessed. 

And they gave a hi-5.

"So, you came in a rather serious mood, didn't you. We need to talk?", she reminded him.

"Oh yes!", he said with a face-slap, "shall we go sit in the OAT? I lack the patience to deal with some more of your loser pals".

"I'll kill you, jerk!", she pinched his ear, "let's go".

Half an hour passed in utter silence, with the two of them sitting besides each other, doing absolutely nothing. All that could be heard were occasional sounds/noises from somewhere in the vicinity, of some friends celebrating a birthday and yelling songs or a gang of guys barking abuses just for fun or either of them coughing or yawning, et al.

"Look, I know that all mushy mushy love stories call it a very beautiful time when a girl and a boy just sit together for hours together, gazing at each other, the "silence speaking better than words" ...blah & blah. But trust me, this is getting really boring now", she tried to strike a conversation, on a lighter note.

"Right. Hey Jahnvi, do you remember what day it is today?", he asked, unaffected by her joke, thoroughly examining her face.

"Umm yes, it's a Monday, no?", she still wasn't out of the playful mood.

"No. Precisely, it's one month after that particular day", he hoped to see her remember something.

"That particular day??", she pretended to be confused. 

"Oh come awn! Am serious, one month ago we had a long talk, in the very same place we are in right now, remember?", he seemed a little impatient this time.

"Oh yeah, one month ago was the date that comes one month before today... right?!", she cracked a pathetic one.

And he was least amused.

"Alright, yes I very well remember that day. A bit embarrassing to narrate, but believe me I do", she assured him.

"Hmm. I never mentioned anything about my feelings after it, in this one month, did I? I stuck to my promise. The promise to not mention it again except for the day a month later..."

"Yeah and...", she tried to speak.

"No. Lemme talk now. Don't say anything till I've completed or I won't be able to. Okay?", he demanded.

Rather rude, she thought. But sensing the gravity of the situation and intensity of his expressions, she let go of it.

"Hmm...", she nodded.

" Fine then. Look, Jahnvi, we've been friends for more than a month now. And unlike what you, or even I had expected, it's all been pretty good, pretty pleasant."

"Hmm...", she nodded again, the maximum that she was allowed to do.

" I understand that after my first crazy proposal, it must've been difficult for you to 'stay normal', as the silly me had demanded."

"Hmm", went another nod. Though she really wondered why did he call that proposal crazy, or himself 'silly'. But he seemed too nervous to answer further queries then.

"But it went on smoothly!", he continued, "I remember the beautiful time we spent together in college- stuffing our tummies in the canteen (from each others' plates), bunking classes to simply laze around (against your will, ofcourse), at times flirting... with the books in the library, that is.", he had suddenly turned so nervously expressive that one could know where the brackets were to be inserted, in all that he spoke.

"And everytime I succeeded in dragging you to the library, you'd call me "ek number ki ghissi!'", she added, unable to hold back from speaking this time, getting all nostalgic. "These were the times when we behaved totally like the two ends of a rope, pulling apart but still bonded", she concluded with a warm, friendly smile.

"Yeah yeah, true that. That and lots more, to count in the beautiful memories of us, together." 

"Why memories, duh! Our friendship still exists, prettier than ever. Memories belong to the past and the past need not be called till the present turns ugly!", she tried to explain.

"Do you remember, that day I said something else too?", he so ignored her beautiful lines.

"What?"

"That, that after a month I'll make the proposal again? For you to decide if we can be together or not, for you to know me as a person, which you said is important. And personally, hoping to see you develop a soft corner for me in your heart", he sounded intense, a bit worried.

She blushed.

For though she didn't tell him, but it had been a long, desperate wait. Each day cursing herself for having kept him waiting for so long, each day telling herself, 'no one is perfect, silly. It's love that makes someone seem perfect, for us. And he is the one, for me.' At times she thought if she herself could take the step, but then gave in, to the lack of courage. This one moment was, hence, long awaited and precious for her. 

"Ohhhkayy....so? Why don't you say it now, that which you've got to say?", she unintentionally sounded impatient this time. 

He kept mum.

"Say it, silly!", she commanded.

"Jahnvi, I...I..."

"Sayyy!!"

"I am really very sorry for everything", he broke the stinging silence.

"Sorry? For what!", she seemed surprised enough, though still smiling faintly.

"Like I said, for everything".

"Be specific Aditya. I don't get you and it's getting a little scary now, you know", she remarked, somewhere hoping to see him burst into laughter very soon and yell, "SURPRISE!"

Unfortunately enough, that wasn't the case.

"I've understood now, what you said then. That's why you call me a tubelight, don't you?", he tried lightening the situation.

She gaped in disbelief. "Understood what?"

"Understood that love ain't so easy, ain't so shallow, ain't so stupid. That it's important to completely know someone as a person before concluding that we're freaking in love with them! There are a hell lot of things involved! People are oft not how we think they must be!"

"What. Are. You saying Aditya?"

"Am sorry for having come and pestered you, Jahnvi. I really appreciate your patience for having borne me all this while. I had been feeling a little uneasy since quite some time, like it wasn't exactly how I had imagined. Then I tried seeing through your perspective and everything seemed crystal clear! Clear that we can't be together, that we're not "made for each other", that you and I are oh-so-different!", he completed.

"You're not serious, right? You can't do this to me!", she gasped for a breath.

"Of course I am! I'm letting you free, isn't that great!?", he seemed relieved, totally unlike her.

"I can't believe you can say all this! I can't believe you can appreciate 'my perspective' of love, when I lost mine long back, to yours! As I learned to see it the way you, used to....free spirited, letting it find its destination itself, not imposing rules and directions on our feelings! 

What I also can't believe is that you're thanking my patience for having 'borne' you all this while, when I've actually been dreaming of being always together, no matter what!
I can't believe that you think you're letting me 'free', when I've been blissfully bound in chains of love. Your love! 

I can't believe I fell in love with YOU!". 

She broke down into tears miserably after the last words. It was helpless, miserable. 

"No...no..! Look, it's not like that! See, you're giving in to temporary attachment, think the way you used to, be practical, yeah? Am not the one, seriously!", he tried to comfort her, nervously. 

But it only added to her helplessness. 

"I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE!", she yelled, "not your puppet!"

"You've cheated me!"

"I haven't. We can't be responsible for the way we feel, can we? We don't direct emotions, to go this way or that. And if mine changed, it wasn't intentional. Don't hold me responsible for it Jahnvi. I am guilty but it wasn't in my hands! And then, we're still friends, aren't we?", he sounded unbelievably at ease. 

"I do not know who is responsible and who isn't.. I do not know what went wrong, I also do not know why you, or your feelings, changed", she went on, "What I know is that, you've left in my life a stigma that'll stay for long. Real long."

"As for us being friends, I wish feelings were so easy to rewind."

"You may leave now. Your so called 'love' is over, and care mustn't be faked. It may raise hope for someone",  went her last words, blank and expressionless. 

And he left. 

Everything turned upside down. Feelings got 'exchanged' literally, leaving the one least at fault, suffering. Still, no one can be blamed.

Shall we call it a love story?

Love May Be Lost.... But It's Memories Are Not - part 2

The first proposal: A flashback

This dates back to the time when she, Jahnvi, was a fresher in college, just out of the protective boundaries of school, into a world that belongs to no-ONE. She was curious, excited, nervous and with absolutely no idea about how good, or bad, this new life was going to turn out to be. All in all, she was how most of us at this stage of life are, what say, 'innocent'? 

Apart from that, she was pretty. Beautiful actually, but not extra-ordinarily, unless you count the beauty of her heart in too. Yes, she was not just a beautiful girl, but a beautiful person. What made her beautiful inside was the simple fact that she was honest and not ill-willed. Moreover, she was, 'she'! Quite beautiful in this age of superficiality, no?

With deep brown expressive eyes on a pretty face, an innocent smile ever-so persistent, a good sense of humor and wit and a tall confident personality with enough modesty, she sure was atleast 'noticeable' for those who knew her. 

'He' was Aditya and apart from that, nothing special. None of us is special, quite actually and obviously, until we meet the 'one'. For it can be safely assumed that sooner or later, each one of us is, or will be, special for 'someone'. It's the people around us, who make us special.

So, he really was nobody special, else the topic wouldn't have strayed.

They were classmates, students of a reputed Engineering college ( like the so-many of us nowadays). Barely a month had passed when 'he' began to take notice of 'her', though she, still didn't. For she never had the need to talk to him, and he, never had the chance. 

It was when when Aditya, like most other guys, would discuss the best and the worst of girls around: an analysis and compilation of observations prepared more intensely than even their practical files, that he realized she was different, atleast for him. A statutory warning had already been issued to his friends, that she was the chosen one, for him. 

Romantic? Sweet? No way! Rather typical, a little cheap and even more immature, that was of him. And she knew how it was. Girls, afterall, don't need to talk to everyone around to know how they are, they can sniff it. And she being sensible and observing, had anyway gauged that much long time back. Not that he was a bad person at heart, but he was definitely immature. So basically, she could never even imagine herself giving him a serious look, let alone a thought.

But life shapes, the way we don't think it will.

***********************************************

Of-late, things had been turning different, what say, improving? He had been getting the chance to talk her, and she, the need. And that too quite often, as they were lab partners and more than that, best friends of a budding couple. A couple fights, doesn't it? And a lot, I presume. And it was Jahnvi and Aditya who had to be the conveyor/counselor each time their respective best friends had a tiff. Whether it helped the couple or not can't be told, but it sure was helping these two, who were gradually becoming friends.

"I'm happy for Sonali and Manav", Jahnvi had started the conversation that day, while aimlessly pulling out grass from the grounds the two were at, the college OAT, a favorite hangout for bunkers to laze around in and the nerds to study more. And more. (sorry for the digression but, "more" to the power infinity!)

"Yeah, so am I. Happy, for the two in love, and for myself too", Aditya calmly shot out his words, an arrow of sorts for he could guess what her next question was going to be.

And the guess was indeed right. Suddenly the expressionless pallor on her face changed into a question mark and she stopped the torture on the grass to give him a serious look. 

"For yourself? What does that even mean?", she asked in a high pitched voice.

The arrow had hit the target, afterall. He smirked inside.

"Well well, things seem to be improving with my girl. Why won't I be happy!", he further added. Her question mark changed into an exclamatory mark now and he was more than just enjoying the changing expressions on her face.

"YOUR girl? Now who is THAT you never mentioned even once?! I hope my curiosity shalt get a reply, Addy?", she asked in a slightly commanding tone of voice.

He liked it when she called him "Addy".

"Ah yes, ofcourse it would. My girl, I tell you, is someone I've been so stung by, since probably the time college started", he said simply.

"Okay. And...?", she asked, as seriously as she wasn't ever in class.

"And? And she's lovely! A genuine person with the sweetest smile ever and everything that sets her apart, for me", he tried locating jealousy in her expressions, but sadly, there was none to be seen yet.

"Wow! And how are things heading?", her curiosity had begun to subside, having become sure that he'll tell her the whole saga.

"Well, pretty quick, I'd say. And definitely faster than I imagined. From the time when we never even talked, to now when we often sit together and chat about things important and unimportant, there's definitely been SOME progress here! And I am only too happy with this", he was still trying hard to see her go green. 

Strangely enough, the question mark on Jahnvi's face turned into a big grin of excitement now. Like she was happy for him. "Girls are good actors, chill Aditya!", he was telling himself at the unexpected disappointment.

"Cool!!!! Now this is something! But strange I never sensed anything. I mean, okay, it's been barely two weeks since we started interacting and just a week since we started having chats of any significant content, but it's still weird that I never felt a thing! Isn't it?", she said.

"Yes Jahnvi, it is. It IS weird and disappointing that not once did you realize that the girl was you", he said in all anticipation, amazed that he finally had, and that too in a single go.

His words fell like, dumbbells? Heavy, they were for her. Indigestible. And totally unacceptable. 

There was an awkward silence for a long time following that. She kept staring at the ground blankly and he at her, in all hope. 

But someone had to break the ice. Jahnvi decided to.

"Now, is that some kind of a joke, by any freaking chance? Or are you, should I say, out of your mind?"

He was half shattered by her words. But didn't want to give up. "Okay, I need to simply explain", he satisfied himself. 

"Why do you say so, Jahnvi! I almost immediately fell for your personality back then. But I never thought I'll be telling this to YOU some day, 'coz I never took it so seriously! But now, having known you, having interacted with you and having praised myself for falling for, shall I say the 'right girl', I'm only too sure! And I think you are too!", impatience and desperation had seeped in his tone.

Jahnvi sprang up from her place in slight disgust.

"For god sake, act a little mature Mr.Aditya, will you?! It's only because of Sonali and Manav that we've talked a little in the past few days, this must be the longest conversation we've had and are probably going to ever have, there's  barely ANYTHING I know about you or you, of me. And you've already jumped to conclusions as ad-hoc as, I ALSO LIKE YOU?", her last words came out loud and clear. He wondered whether to gaze at her deep eyes looking even more gorgeous as they widened in shock and anger, or to pay attention to the shattering of his heart. He chose the former, for all its beauty. 

Why do you talk like this Jahnvi! It hurts", his sad face spoke. 

"So does the truth", she didn't mind seeming cruel. 

"I actually felt that your feelings about me must've changed all this while. Didn't they, from what they used to be earlier, tell me honestly".

"Not feelings but views! 'Coz feelings, they never existed! I mean, I never saw you that way, never thought about you so seriously, but over time I've definitely developed some respect for you as a person, I confess. Earlier, I thought you were like most other guys: reckless, carefree, unemotional and, you know, talking about girls all the time-cheap. But that's not how I see you anymore", atleast she sounded kinder saying this.

Aditya naughtily smiled inside for a moment, for he knew she hadn't been entirely wrong at her first judgement, afterall.

"See! I told you. It's changed, things between us. We could give it a try?", this time it was his face that showed a question mark.

"Changed, but not SO drastically Aditya! This is not how relationships happen, not for me atleast!!", she was obviously irritated by now. 

"Anything wrong with me?", he asked just for the sake of it. That he considered himself near perfect was no less than a fact.

"It's not about you, dammit! It's about..about...about anybody! Am just not prepared for something as serious as this! I have an altogether different perspective of relationships, they mean something, something IMPORTANT for me. Not just a passive girlfriend-boyfriend affair! Those terms aren't even there in my dictionary. For me, they're either 'lovers' or nothing. 'Girlfriend' and 'boyfriend' are totally naive concepts of love!"

Secretly, Aditya was rather amused. The funny him, a strong trait otherwise, almost gaped at her in surprise, at her seriousness, which he obviously lacked, else why'd he find her words funny! Had it not been for the intensity of the situation, his jaws must've dropped in shock and amusement by then.

"I understand Jahnu", he assumed she won't mind being called so. "I understand what you mean by all this", knowing that he actually didn't, not in the wildest of his dreams. "And am not even asking you to be fast!", though he wanted her to be, "take your own time. And that time, we could spend together. Okay?".

"WHAT?!", came the prompt reply, a question rather. "Cut the 'Jahnu' by the way! It's..it's..GROSS!"

"See, I know it's not been too long, but my feelings are still strong!", he couldn't help pausing for a moment of self-praise for the rhyme. "What am saying is simply that, we could just spend some time together, as friends ofcourse, to know each other better. Let's say, a month? I'm only too sure of my feelings for you, they won't ever change, all I want is for you to see if I can be the one for you too. Please, am only asking you to continue being friends the way we are now! If nothing else, we might emerge as best buddies?"

She couldn't believe her ears, too weird as it all sounded. But she found no reason to say an immediate 'no'. 

"I don't know.....", she blankly said, staring at the ground again, in deep reflection. 

"The voice, beautiful dammit!", he thought.

"But I do. And you trust me, okay?", he asked her in all excitement.

"Mister, don't you think while asking for trust, you're asking for too much from someone who has barely known you?", she kept her right hand on her waist, in a dictating posture.

"Hahaha! Okay, maybe I am. But...pleeeeeeeez??", he almost begged, jokingly. 

Finally! The situation was losing much of its awkwardness.

"BUT! Friends only, okay?", she reminded him one last time.

"Yeah yeah ma'am, I have noted that, don't worry. I won't give you a single reason to complain, I promise. ONE MONTH. We see it for one month, as friends, normal friends. I won't mention this again all the while and a month later, I bring you here again, the same place and maybe the same time and make the same proposal again. If by then your heart changes, you say a yes and we become girlfriend and boyfriend. No, I meant, "lovers", he knew she hated the terms 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend'. But why she did, he couldn't guess.

"And if I still feel the way I do now, that is, NOT FEEL AT ALL, we get on our own ways, separately. Right?", she wanted to assure everything in word.

"Roger that ma'am", he smiled, ignoring the pessimism in her voice.

"Though, if you ask me, I see absolutely no hope!", she shrugged.

"I know. And that's why I never asked you in the first place", said he. Unable to stop from smirking at his wit this time.

And she couldn't help bursting out in laughter. 

ONE MONTH: The next one month was going to witness the growth of an entirely new tale of love. Or was it destined to be a heart break? 

Love May Be Lost.....But It's Memories Are Not - part 1

"Bin tere...bin tere...bin tere...koi khalish hai hawaon mein bin tere..."

the tune beat on her eardrums- once, twice, thrice and more. 

Not that she was fast asleep. But that she hadn't slept. And she felt like hearing it on and on, again and again. In her mind flipping pages of the sweetest yet the most hurting set of memories.

An alarm tune — what is it supposed to do? Wake you up from sleep? 

But for eyes that haven't seen peaceful sleep since long, for ears that still yearn to hear those whispers that would send shivers down the spine, for senses that fail to let go of that aura of pure love that would once make her feel luckier and prettier each day, this alarm was nothing more than a fresh revival of memories she 'should' let go off, but couldn't. Just couldn't. She could relate to it more than anything else and it was painful. Very painful. Which is why it was her morning alarm tune. Sad songs, the more you can relate with them, the more they remind you of your pain, bringing every bit of your soul to tears. Yet, you love them even more. It was the first thing she did in the day. And this way, pain was what her days had been starting with. For the last one year.

Yes. One year. It has been a year now. And she still clings to those memories as tightly as possible. Like she won't let them go. Never. The jokes they shared, the fun they poked, the care and the affection, the times she would sulk and he would play the joker, all of it had re-played in front of her eyes every single morning. She laughed. And she cried. She laughed on all that had been so dream-like beautiful. She cried 'coz it was indeed all dreams now.

Those were her mornings. Mornings after half sleepless nights, the rest half trying to relive those moments. The best thing about dreams is that they can give you joys you otherwise may only yearn for, in real. 

And this morning was no different. Yet again she had woken up to what reminded her how hurt she was. Yet again she had imagined those magical moments that still remain the happiest moments of her life, but a thing of past. Yet again she had woken up to sit still, stunned, still unable to believe, what happened did actually happen. Yet again she had asked her god, "WHY?".

Yet again every tear that her tired eyes dropped, trickling down her now-pale cheeks, shouted out to her conscience, seeking answers to questions that had haunted her since the last one year.

Yet again she had wondered in absolute awe, "I am stuck. He has moved on. How?"

Yet again it was a morning no different. Yet again, everything was yet again. 

Let The Loved Ones Know That They Are Loved

"You used to share every little thing about your life with me, Khushi. But ever since you entered college, you seem to have got so easily detached from your home and family. And me."


"Oh come on mummy! It's all a part of growing up. Of becoming independent. Don't we all grow up? I can't stay a kid forever, can I?"


"You'll remain a kid for me always, Khushi beta. Even when you become a granny."


"Yeah I know that mum. And please don't say that I've got detached from you all. You can see for yourself, college life ain't like school life. I get back home pretty late. And then... "


"And then, you either sleep or switch on the computer. And sit there in your room till dinner time when I have to call you a hundred times," Khushi, have your food! ... Khushi have your food!", right?".


"Oh please! Don't start it all over again. Am fed up. Good night!!" Khushi muttered her last words, ending the argument, that had taken place the nth time ever since she came into college, and banged close the door of her room quite loud. Real loud.


"Am fed up too. But you don't seem to be able to understand..............", mom heaved a deep sigh, not of relief, but of exhaustion. Of worry.


"I don't know how to explain it to her! Everyone gets busy with their own lives in college, am being no different. Not that I don't love my family now! Huh!!" she grumbled in frustration, while setting her blanket right, preparing to doze off, bringing the hectic day to an end, quite early today. Since the internet wasn't working.
Mom sure wasn't completely wrong.


Lights off.
Blanket on.
Silence.
Good night.
___________________________________
**************************************************


"Finally gonna be home early today! Gonna make mom happy. Yay! Will make her some tea, chat with her for a while. And only then get back to the regular. Hehehe....sounds good....hmmm......", Khushi thought to herself, sitting in the bus, that was going to drop her home pretty early today. Mass bunks help, don't they? There were going to be no bitter arguments today. No complaints.


"Darn! The door's locked. She's out. Umm.....never mind, I'll keep the tea and snack ready and then when she comes, 'surprise'!", Khushi smiled in her thoughts, as she unlocked the doors to enter the empty house.
Everything was falling in place as planned. She tidied up the house a little bit. A cup of tea, with a lid over it to keep it hot, along with some snack, was waiting on the table for mom. And so was Khushi.


Love is all about little surprises, some smiles and lots of warmth and care. And for a child, a son or a daughter, nothing beats the sense of pride and the glint of extreme happiness that he or she gets, on seeing his/her mother smiling. Smiling, 'coz of something they did for her.
A child's surprise, innocent.
Rare, but full of care.
Backed by the desire to be 'THE BEST' daughter or son. Unaware, that for a mother, her child will always be the best. Better than the rest of the world.
It was a daughter's emotions that were keeping her spirits so pumped up for such a small thing.


Nevertheless, she waited.
And she waited.
Waited some more.
And fell asleep. On the table itself, with her head gently resting on the back of her palms.


No doubt, every second of a wait for someone loved seems to last a life time. The worst test of one's patience. But the best test for love. 'Coz the heart still knows, one glance of the person, is worth the apparently infinite longing. In the end, it's love which will make it all seem so finite.


Khushi woke up to the loud irking rings of the telephone. Getting up from the table, as she rubbed on her eyes with her fists, the wall clock came into sight. It was 12 A.M, and mom definitely still wasn't there. The tea lay there, untouched, now turned poison. The snack, cold and un-eatable. But obviously the question was, "Still not home, is mom okay?!"


"Hello?"
"Yeah, this is her daughter. May I know who am I talking to?"
"WHAT! look, whoever you are, this is no joke! God will punish you for this!!"........ some more shouts, howls, cries and questions later, the phone receiver lay hanging by the table.
And Khushi, expressionless, clueless, sat on the floor. Crouched in one corner. Her hands covering her mouth, left open in disbelief. Slightly shivering.


She was all lost.
She had lost herself.
She had lost the one the tea and snack had turned cold, while waiting for.
She had lost her mother.
She had lost, her world.


Pages of her memories seemed to be flipping over again and again. Deepening wounds that had come up suddenly, from nowhere. Marring her soul. Scarring her life.


Scenes from the past were passing by with the speed of light, in front of her bewildered eyes.


The hug that had always welcomed her at the door, on coming back from school.
And the questioning eyes that would stare so badly if she got late.


The worried scoldings when she had scored her lowest ever, in Maths, in 6th standard.
And the sense of pride that gleamed bright, on seeing the trophies Khushi had been awarded, for topping in the board exams in her school, both the times.


The tears that had rolled by day and night, as she lay in one room of the house, isolated. Suffering from the worst form of Chicken Pox. Worried for her present and her future.
And the NO JUNK FOOD instructions.


The unasked for homemade remedies and tips on how to look prettier.
And the 'pay more attention to studies, than your fashions!' lectures.


The anger. And the hugs.
The kisses. And the tears.
The care. And the worries.
The lectures. And the stories.


How many such instances could she dig out from heaps of dusted, faded memories, that she had never cared for, before?
How could she find out the weight of her mother's love, NOW, that she was no longer there with her?
How could she thank god for giving her the most priceless possession of her life, when she no longer possessed it?


Questions came flooding. Answers were nowhere to be seen.


Tears wash away fears. And sorrows. But an eternal loss is eternal. It cannot be washed away. There is only a finite level of despair that can make us cry. Beyond it, there's stark loneliness, grief. And no tears. Yeah, she just couldn't cry.
___________________________________
*************************************************


Baffled, she woke up with near teary eyes and a gravely tense look. The blanket went flying off to the floor and Khushi ran for her life, till she was standing besides her mother in her room, offering countless prayers of gratefulness to the almighty. Her eyes refused to look elsewhere, they were searching for an assurance, only that calm face could offer.


"I love you mom", Khushi whispered. Old eyes do not sleep the sleep of a baby. Mom woke up and was about to raise her questions, but Khushi interrupted.


"Mom, can I sleep with you tonight?"
"Of course baby, come. But what happened, you woke up to some nightmare?
"I love you mommy. You mean the world to me. Please never leave me alone. Never ever.", Khushi murmured with almost teary, closed eyes and a pale smile.
"Aww no, I won't leave you ever. You are my world beta!". She was puzzled, but still knew, all that her daughter needed then was assurance. And the sudden splurge of love had only heartened her more.
"You know baby, you're such a kid. An innocent kid."
"I'll always be so for you mommy. Even when I become a granny".


She grinned naughtily and slept the most peaceful sleep, in the world's safest place.


- Her mother's arms.




PS- Love is a feeling. An emotion. Expressing it won't add anything to it, nor would not expressing it take anything from it away. But, no one is going to stay with us forever. So leave no chance to tell the ones you love, how much you value them. Time waits for none, you being no exception. So love the loved as much as you can, lest you have to repent later. For even as we continue to pray for some-ONE, some others continue to care for us, ignored yet uncomplaining.


It takes just a few words, a hug, a kiss or a simple gesture to show to someone priceless, their value in your life. Love is simple and priceless. You just need to love it.

Dedicated to the one I love the most. The person who is easiest to make happy. A hug is all that it takes.

Love Story???

"Can I talk to you for a while?", he asked her nervously. A bead of sweat prominent on the forehead.
"Umm yeah sure. What about?", she spoke in her soft, sensuous voice, mesmerizing enough to render any sane man speechless. 
"Ah well actually....I was...wondering if I ...you...I mean, you and I ...you know...uhm uhm...", he did try to look and sound a little less nervous than he actually was, but failed pathetically. Inside, he was only cursing the moment he had decided to talk to her finally, after very many days of staring, wondering, imagining and fantasizing. 


"Uhm...am sorry but I can't understand you?", she spoke so beautifully! Her gorgeous blue eyes looking deep into his face with great intensity and expectation. As if desperately waiting for something magical to come out of the moment that she had waited for, since the past many days. 


He seemed lost in thought, apparently weighing all possibilities and then trying to decide whether to do it or not, to tell her or not. What would she say?, he was going mad thinking. 


She, on the other hand, looked calm, at peace. Her beautiful face, gifted with sharp features, ocean-like deep blue eyes and skin as pure as gold, showed no expressions. It looked to him as if she was not so interested, but she was only pretending. She was a girl, afterall. How could she give herself away! She had to act innocent and unaware. 


"Hello?", she interrupted his line of thought, a little strongly this time. For how long could she hold back her eagerness, afterall. 


"Oh yeah am so sorry! Haa..!!", he took a deep sigh. 
The wait was driving her crazy!! And irritated too.
 'I know what you want to say, I know why you're sweating so badly! But don't be so nervous dear that you find it difficult to say those words! How'll I say my 'yes' then!!', she spoke in her thoughts. Impatience was taking over her.
She hoped he'd find words after that long sigh. 

"Khushi. This is something I've been wanting to talk about, with you, for the past one week. No, two weeks rather", he spoke without break this time. But still didn't speak anything of relevance. The stats were what she least interested in.
"So?", not once did she forget to act ignorant, as if she knew nothing. She was a girl, afterall.
"Yeah so, this is something of great importance to me. But I don't know if it'd be of any worth to you too, or not. Nevertheless, I'll say it, for my peace of mind."
"You know, there are some feelings, which if not spoken at the right time can give us a lot of pain later. The sooner we share them, the better it is!", seemed like the deep sigh had helped. He knew what he had to say. And that he HAD TO SAY IT to her, then and there.
"Yes you're right. And...??", her hopes were at an all-time peak now. She was only glad to be sure that he will say it this time. 


"And...well this goes back to the time I first saw you. Two weeks ago, on our first day of college."


Their first day in college, how could she forget it!  She had come along with her elder brother, to complete all the formalities left for admission. That time, she and her brother were standing clueless about where to begin with. Having arrived late, they had missed all the instructions and everyone seemed too busy to help them. At that very moment 'he' had made a hero-like entry, as if en route to winning the girl by first impressing the elder brother, Hindi film style. 'He' got them the forms, told all the instructions, even helped her to fill all the details. 
With his helpful gesture, he had already begun to make her miss a beat or two. She had observed him carefully, and he only looked perfect. A tall, confident personality with a great smile and an extremely polite voice. Brown short hair, smartly but simply done up, a very fit athletic build, as if made for and from all day of footballing, an impressive attire with an even more impressive way of walking and carrying himself. She knew that very moment, she'd love to be his forever, if only he felt the same.
Ever since, every single day their eyes had met, smiles had been exchanged and she had become more and more sure of him having something special to say to her, which he had not been able to gather enough courage for. 
Nevertheless, she had eagerly waited in great desire, cherishing every moment they spent together on the first day, that was still as fresh as now, in her memories. 

But she didn't show it. She was a girl, never forget that.


"Oh yeah! The first day.. I think.. uhm...I can...very very faintly remember it. Yeah...", the actress in her continued, "what about it??", the latter half came out stronger, with a part of her curiosity showing up, till she composed herself again. 


"Hmm the first day. You remember, you had come with your brother and I was the one to help you both in completing all the formalities?"
"Hmmm......", she was trying to recall if she looked good that day or not. He, no doubt, was the best guy in class. Could she have made a good impression on him, in her lovely pink dress that she wore that day? She knew she had all the beauty to make a man go mad. What could be wrong? Nothing! 
She assured herself, that the day was hers already.


"Okay so right from that day I've been wanting to share this one thing with you, but I always feared what'd you say, what'd you think about me? Thousands of thoughts have somersaulted in me since then and I've been going half mad seeing you everyday and remembering it! You know, 'coz of this, you're the one person on my mind every night before I go to sleep?!", he had said a lot. A lot for her joys to break all bounds. 
She thought 'wow!!! He's getting there finally, come on, quick my boy!!'. It was partly unbelievable for her since it hadn't been too long, but she was confident of herself and more than that, her desirable personality. Being the best two in class, she always knew they were made for each other.


"Okay and what's the point of it?", she tried sounding rude, as if reminding him of her worth, that who he was going to get was no ordinary girl!


"AND THE POINT IS...", he spoke loudly, the final words very ready to pop out now, "that I really really really desire your......"
"Excuse me?", she was puzzled. 
"I BADLY DESIRE YOUR.... BROTHER'S TEE!!! That's ONE HELLUVA exotic, rare Chelsea jersey that I am SO SO in love with ever since I saw it on your bro!!!! Can I get it? Please!!!? In exchange for just about ANYTHING on Earth?? Or at least let me know where did he get it? Could I meet him? Could he get me another one? My heart pounds thinking of that piece of marvel!!! I can DIE FOR IT you know!! Please help me, am CRAZY about SOCCER!! Like....like...MADE FOR IT!"


So it wasn't for nothing that she had been able to associate his healthy build with football that day.


"Soooooo?????", he was over excited.
"So?", she stood there, feeling cheated. As if someone had ditched her before even getting committed. Worse, she couldn't say that.
"So am I getting it finally?? Please???!", his excitement was intolerable for her.
"Don't know if you're getting it or not, you're definitely getting one thing right now.", she yelled.
His face showed a question mark


And next,


-- her slap was unbelievably hard.