The things we said today.

I had this conversation recently, about the importance of words. Yes, they're important, words that is, but why, or to put it more clearly, what is it about words that makes them so important?
I think words make memories, and sometimes, like a scent long forgotten, they come back to you, bring back some of those memories...  which sometimes mean the world to you, or which are, at times, absolutely pointless, like walking down a beautiful road with someone you love.. or waking up on a Sunday morning and just thinking about how good life is, just then, in that one moment.

But I'm digressing. Words, yes. They're the most powerful weapons too, they have the power to influence, persuade, dissuade and change. But then, there's the beauty of it all. You don't even need to be very precise, you know. Their vagueness, if used correctly, only adds to their beauty. So, I could go ahead and say something like "...and the smell of the wet soil hung in the air." and I find this sentence absolutely beautiful, or I could be very precise and describe it all in just one word. Petrichor. See what I mean?

And then there are words which remind me of certain people who have touched my life... certain incidents that have had some say in deciding the course of it... So everytime I hear the word labyrinth, I'm reminded of a person who taught me how just about everything could be associated with that word;   "planet" reminds me of an economics class, a long time ago when I sat with a friend and made more than 92 words from the alphabets of this word, just our way of finding out the truth about Da Vinci Code. :D "Breezy" reminds me  of this particular dress I had, all so flowy, I just couldn't associate any other word with it. "Home" reminds me of my living room couch and the crystal dinner set, for I don't know what reason!

Of course, its entirely possible to have situations when words fail you. Happens to the best of us, doesn't it? I think that's why we have eyes.. they say so much. But then that's another story.. :)

Realizations

It's time to stop and think
Look within and without!
It's time that's running out between you and me
And there's lots to talk about
And nothing to listen to, simply hear it and chuck it out
You out of my life and I out of yours
Forget it and finish it up
No infatuation, No obsessions
Just simply my job and yours too
I'm not crossing roads anymore
My dreams, my way
Shut up and listen!
No questions, no answers. Enough of nonsense, is that clear?
It's time to stop and realize that it's you,
You who's an idiot, and not me!

White

I wonder how long I've been here. Days? Months? Years? I don't know. I wonder how long it's been since I've seen the bright white sunshine and velvety black night. I wonder how long I've been confined withing the walls of this tiny white room, while smiling doctors and nurses, also dressed in white, try to make me eat the tasteless food. Oh, they smile at me alright, but their eyes-their cold, unsympathetic eyes, they tell me the truth. And the truth is that they're tired of being nice to me, tired of looking after the poor, crazy girl. Well, I don't want any of you to look after me either, doctor. I hate this as much as you do.

The door is opening. In comes Dr. XYZ. He's holding a needle and smiling. Hello, doctor. How are you? Have you come to poke another needle into me, in the hope that I'll get better and go away. Not a chance, doctor. Not a chance. I'm fine, doctor. Absolutely fine. You are wearing a white coat, doctor, and your eyes are cold and white. Do you know I hate white, doctor? I bet you don't SEE. I'm talking to YOU, doctor. I'm holding a CoN-VER-Sa-Tion with you, doctor. I'm telling you my likes and dislikes. Like NORMAL people do. So where was I? Oh yes. I hate white. You see, doctor, that's why I hate this place. Because it's white. White walls, white bed, white gown, white doctors, white nurses. The atmosphere, its cold and white too, doctor. Everything is white, even the food.

Are you approaching me and saying something? What are you saying, doctor? Are you telling me that it won't hurt? But that's white too, doctor. A white lie. Because you see, it will hurt doctor, it will hurt a lot. As you come closer, doctor, I start screaming and thrashing, because I don't want the pain,  doctor. But you don't understand and you smile reassuringly. A white nurse rushed in and holds me down, and you seize the opportunity and plunge the needle into my arm. As the needle pierces my skin, I close my eyes and feel pain, doctor, I feel white pain. Stringing white light flashes beneath my closed eyelids and I see brilliant white stars. When I finally open my eyes, doctor, I see hazy white images. The world spins a crazy white spin. Slowly, sleep overcomes me. It's not white this time, doctor. It's black. A warm, comforting black. With great effort, i pry my sleepy eyes open. You are watching me, doctor. You are watching me with a white gleam in you r eyes. Do you still think I'm crazy, doctor? AM I crazy, doctor?

When The Heavens Opened Up

It's raining again. The air is filled with the smell of the parched earth heaving under the cool showers. Petrichor it's called, someone told me once when I'd used a similar expression. Yes, petrichor, but then this one word could never possibly describe the way I perceive it, can it? It sounds like a bleaching agent. I don't know why, it just does.
There's Eric Clapton's "Walk Out In The Rain" playing softly, tugging at my heartstrings. Clouds cover the sky, and here and there a tiny star dares to peek out. I'm reading one of Pablo Neruda's. And yet another beautiful poem comes to mind.. a thing of beauty is a joy forever.....
A lot of things come to mind, and all of them are invariably brushed aside. I'll think about them, but not today. Here, this moment is just too perfect to ruin with thoughts. I let this breeze wash through me. Maybe I should make myself a cup of coffee... or maybe just not yet. For now, it's just me and the sound of rain, and the smell of rain, and the songs of rain.



{if you thought this post was utterly incoherent, you're not alone. I think the same, but now that I've typed all that in, I don't have the heart to delete it. You read it? My sympathies. But this one was straight from the heart. :) }

Lazy, Lazy Days

Lutyen’s Delhi is beautiful. I love the cool breeze, and the drizzle. As I walk alone on the lovely rainy road, good music blaring in my ears – I feel a smile make it’s way up to my face. Uncles and aunties staring at me. What is it that bugs them so to see someone relaxed, alone, happy? Two bus stops crossed, and finally I reach the Csec metro station. I make myself comfortable on the stairs. My phone beeps to tell me my friend will be late. Good forty five minutes late. Bless that traffic jam. I must be quite a spectacle – my bag on my lap, book in hand, and bottle on side, big smile…stares, stares, more stares. I ignore them all with practiced ease. Today will be my day.

Hours later on the metro, I vanish behind a wall of sweaty backs. My back against the window; I relish the solitude. The metro doors part and push me out on the platform. As I walk my way back home, I am overwhelmed with simple pleasures. My shirt still damp with the drizzle, I recall the hot three rupee chai washing down my parched throat. I recall the amazement on my friend’s face as I strike up a conversation with a perfect stranger. Most of all, I relive the silence, peace and the timelessness of the few hours spent absolutely alone in a public place. Best kept secrets are always carelessly left in the open. No one notices.
Back at home, voices from the other room stab my silence dead with a million words. Heaven. Drop that ‘e’ and you have ‘haven’ staring back at you. Sweet Irony, how bitter can you get? To dos point fingers at me from a wall. Unfinished target lists lie crumpled in the dustbin. As I stretch in my bed, I’m aware of the energy still within me; surplus, excess, waste. Tonight, I shall sleep with a load of guilt sitting square on my chest.

I’ve been told I have unrealistic expectations. From myself, especially. I should lower my standards, learn to be satisfied, let loose. I should also socialize, adjust with friends, watch series of English soaps and be less stuck up. I should accept people’s faults- you can’t have people without any. Why should I be such a snob all the time? Why can’t I just let my pretences down and behave like everybody else? Why don’t I well, basically, get real?

Heh. I can’t do it, because. Glee is not a TV. show. Pleasure is not a scooty.  This is reality. I am glad it is.

Intelligent Life

           Mr. Bunty Ind checked his watch. Two or three more millihops to go. He could not wait to reach Vulcan, reach home to christen his new-born son. He has decided on a name he really liked. It had been given the thumbs-up by all his colleagues and friends too. He made sure it did. After all, he did not want his son to got through the same trauma he had. "Bunty...what a name....would have changed it pronto if I had been there at my own christening, " he thought. Putting down The Centaurian, he looked around at the others on the intergalactic bus- GALAC26ST10.
         The gentleman to his right was surfing like a maniac through the holographio channels...."Must be a Mr. Ame, " thought Mr. Ind. The gentleman on seat UV10 was fingering through a copy of "Grow Your Own Tom-Toms". "Nice morph, " thought Mr. Ind as he observed just the slightest shade of purple blood running in the veins, under the translucent skin. Some old chord was struck in Mr. Ind's heart at the words "Stop playing with your food." He changed his arm-rest and looked at a chinky-eyes kid making bulks of 3-D shapes in the air with his wonton soup. The kid had managed to de-gravitate a small volume of space in front of him and the soup floated as if in a meditative yogic posture. "These wiz kids.." thought Mr. Ind, "getting smarter by the day.. no wonder the FBG (Federal Bureau of Gravitation) is having so much trouble..Mr. Chi.. or Mr. Jap, whoever must be a proud father."
        The space-hostess entered the capsule. The soup fell back neatly into the bowl. Somehow, robots had never replaced space-hostesses. She started, "Please fasten your seat belts. Your anti-jerks have been activated and G increased by 26.4%. The bus ran into a meteor shower. We are cut-off from the bus-hive. We are on independent navigator."
        Suddenly, everyone lurched forward. "It must have been a massive collision...." thought everyone, " to make an impact despite the anti jerker!!" All eyes were on the consteller now. "Navigator striker meteor, 11 fin in diameter. Detour taken. Route beyond map-scope. 30? to the paik, 35? to the paik, 40? to the paik. Returning to trajectory. 120? to the saik, 125? to the saik, 130? to...th....129?....128? unable to return to trajectory. ..return failure. Return failure..unmapped black hole detected..." Suddenly the constellar zapped out. All was dark, except for a faint luminosity. Everyone knew what was happening. "This must be the biggest diasater in megahopsx10z, "said Dr. Aus, giving vioce to everyone's thoughts. They were all being sucked into the black-hole. Soon there would be no light at all.
         The emergency exit of the capsule opened. In no time, everyone would be left entirely to their own devices.
          In other words, each one would be ejected with no devices at all, save V-lungs. Mr. Fra was released, and pressing his nose to the window, Mr. Ind saw him hurtle into the black core till the speck had disappeared. Many people had logged on to the telesympathy service (free every with Nokya Movile). Light had diminished, but there was still some light as they careened through the border-belt of the sphere of inescapable gravity. In the capsule, some passengers decided to utilize the last moment of their lives for a last chat.

Mrs. Jap : I hope Mr. Jap will finish the sushi in the refrigerator before Taurusshine.
Mr. Rus. : What racer does he have? I have (sniff), had a SUPAH NOVA.
Mrs. Jap : Oh, he had, no... no, he has a  SVELTE.. the boot has lots of space for the grocery, you know.
Mr. Rus : My SUPAH NOVA has a streamlined body to attain a maximum speed of....

          Mrs Ger and Mr. Eng had been ejected...all with the same fate. It was Mr. Ame's turn. He floated to the exit, a red sign "UV10" flashed, and he was ejected too. Now, Mr. Ind felt himslef carried to the exit. Suddenly, a piercing alarm was set off, a red light flashed and he was thrown off in the opposite direction. As Mr. Ind flew with incredible speed, he felt his limbs elongating and trunk swelling. Regardless of the weird phenomenon, his brain struggled to find an explanation, until he realized what had happened. The capsule, designed to throw out ticket-less travelers had detected him as one and building up a force against its motion, had thrown him into space, away from itself, away from the black-hole! Mr. Ind had not planned to get caught for keeping up the tradition of his ancestors but felt extremely blessed for the smart legal system for once.
        Suddenly it struck him that he had not inserted his V-lungs that time. So, how was he breathing in the vacuum?  His capacity for anaerobic respiration was barely one millihop. "Surely that must be over by now." Mr. Ind looked down (or up, whichever direction it would be) at his new shock-proof watch and had hardly finished gaping at the irregular timing it showed when he landed on something soft and green, behind a kid called Wolfgang, who was looking at a heap of polythene trash and saying, "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has ever tried to contact us."
        Mr. Ind checked himself for injuries and finding himself in normal dimensions, the configuration of his bones undisturbed and all his body contents within his skin, he proceeded to use his "own devices" and looked around.
        "Green hair on the ground, blue sky, organic pillars or sculptures...." Something triggered in his brain. The pages from his history CD flashed through his head. He realized he had been thrown back in time and was on Earth, probably in a place called Jerm-ninny or was it Germany?
         He thought, "Wow! A new beginning! A new life! A new me!So.. my breathing is explained... but that temporary expansion in my size.." Mr. Ind bit his lower lip as he pondered over the puzzle. He took out his pen, caught a stray scrap of paper flying in the breeze and jotted down . The rest is history....

Love Maybe Lost..... But The Memories Are Not -part 3

A month later

That day, their classes had got over at 2 in the afternoon. An easy time-table is sure enough to make the day for any student.

"Jahnvi, we need to talk. Like, right now!", Aditya said in a rather grave tone. She was standing with some of her female friends in a semi-circle and before he had even uttered a word, they started tingling and teasing her with naughty giggles. 

"Irritating chicks!", Aditya thought with a feeling of disgust. "I wonder why does Manav find this hee-hee-heeeeee CUTE!". 

"Addy, I know we've to talk but could you just wait for sometime, we..."

"Oooooooooohhhh... hmmmmmm..... yeaahh....oye hoyee", the chuckles refused to halt. 

"Shut up girls! It's nothing of that sort", Jahnvi kept saying, as if just for the sake of it, even as her blushing cheeks had another tale to tell.

"What's so funny, girls? I'm not proposing to anyone of you to marry me, am I? Then what is it that's driving YOU chicks so crazy! Or are you giggling for no reason, just to fetch attention? If yes then this eeeee-aaaaaa-oooo-heeeheeeheee won't help, trust me!", not for nothing was Aditya known for being outright straight with his words. And then the girls had been testing his patience a bit too much.

And that worked! The giggly girls left in all frustration, as if humiliated by the truth they won't ever expect anyone to utter, not guys at least, for they may make fun of girls and girly habits amongst themselves, but when talking to a girl, it's like they're the sweetest, politest angels on Earth (A guy's saying, "I love it when you giggle, it's shoo cute!" to a girl = "Such a wannabe I tell you! Laughing and chuckling all the time for no reason at all! Attention seekers...grrrr...these ggggirlsss!!" among fellas. Talk about double standards, eh? )

And the way Addy had imitated them, got them grumbling all the more. "We'll see you later, mister smarty!", one of them warned him before leaving.

"Ooohh! You know what, you just got me trembling with fear!!", he joked, "Ugh ugh, aam sooo scared!!...heee heee heee!", never before did he so thoroughly enjoy teasing someone.

"Addy, grow up! It's not fair!", Jahnvi told him once the gigglers left. 

"Grow up? Ask your birdies to do that miss. And don't deny that you were struggling to hold back your laughter all the while too!", he winked.

"Alright alright, the way you enacted their giggles, it WAS, umm...f.u.n.n.y", she confessed. 

And they gave a hi-5.

"So, you came in a rather serious mood, didn't you. We need to talk?", she reminded him.

"Oh yes!", he said with a face-slap, "shall we go sit in the OAT? I lack the patience to deal with some more of your loser pals".

"I'll kill you, jerk!", she pinched his ear, "let's go".

Half an hour passed in utter silence, with the two of them sitting besides each other, doing absolutely nothing. All that could be heard were occasional sounds/noises from somewhere in the vicinity, of some friends celebrating a birthday and yelling songs or a gang of guys barking abuses just for fun or either of them coughing or yawning, et al.

"Look, I know that all mushy mushy love stories call it a very beautiful time when a girl and a boy just sit together for hours together, gazing at each other, the "silence speaking better than words" ...blah & blah. But trust me, this is getting really boring now", she tried to strike a conversation, on a lighter note.

"Right. Hey Jahnvi, do you remember what day it is today?", he asked, unaffected by her joke, thoroughly examining her face.

"Umm yes, it's a Monday, no?", she still wasn't out of the playful mood.

"No. Precisely, it's one month after that particular day", he hoped to see her remember something.

"That particular day??", she pretended to be confused. 

"Oh come awn! Am serious, one month ago we had a long talk, in the very same place we are in right now, remember?", he seemed a little impatient this time.

"Oh yeah, one month ago was the date that comes one month before today... right?!", she cracked a pathetic one.

And he was least amused.

"Alright, yes I very well remember that day. A bit embarrassing to narrate, but believe me I do", she assured him.

"Hmm. I never mentioned anything about my feelings after it, in this one month, did I? I stuck to my promise. The promise to not mention it again except for the day a month later..."

"Yeah and...", she tried to speak.

"No. Lemme talk now. Don't say anything till I've completed or I won't be able to. Okay?", he demanded.

Rather rude, she thought. But sensing the gravity of the situation and intensity of his expressions, she let go of it.

"Hmm...", she nodded.

" Fine then. Look, Jahnvi, we've been friends for more than a month now. And unlike what you, or even I had expected, it's all been pretty good, pretty pleasant."

"Hmm...", she nodded again, the maximum that she was allowed to do.

" I understand that after my first crazy proposal, it must've been difficult for you to 'stay normal', as the silly me had demanded."

"Hmm", went another nod. Though she really wondered why did he call that proposal crazy, or himself 'silly'. But he seemed too nervous to answer further queries then.

"But it went on smoothly!", he continued, "I remember the beautiful time we spent together in college- stuffing our tummies in the canteen (from each others' plates), bunking classes to simply laze around (against your will, ofcourse), at times flirting... with the books in the library, that is.", he had suddenly turned so nervously expressive that one could know where the brackets were to be inserted, in all that he spoke.

"And everytime I succeeded in dragging you to the library, you'd call me "ek number ki ghissi!'", she added, unable to hold back from speaking this time, getting all nostalgic. "These were the times when we behaved totally like the two ends of a rope, pulling apart but still bonded", she concluded with a warm, friendly smile.

"Yeah yeah, true that. That and lots more, to count in the beautiful memories of us, together." 

"Why memories, duh! Our friendship still exists, prettier than ever. Memories belong to the past and the past need not be called till the present turns ugly!", she tried to explain.

"Do you remember, that day I said something else too?", he so ignored her beautiful lines.

"What?"

"That, that after a month I'll make the proposal again? For you to decide if we can be together or not, for you to know me as a person, which you said is important. And personally, hoping to see you develop a soft corner for me in your heart", he sounded intense, a bit worried.

She blushed.

For though she didn't tell him, but it had been a long, desperate wait. Each day cursing herself for having kept him waiting for so long, each day telling herself, 'no one is perfect, silly. It's love that makes someone seem perfect, for us. And he is the one, for me.' At times she thought if she herself could take the step, but then gave in, to the lack of courage. This one moment was, hence, long awaited and precious for her. 

"Ohhhkayy....so? Why don't you say it now, that which you've got to say?", she unintentionally sounded impatient this time. 

He kept mum.

"Say it, silly!", she commanded.

"Jahnvi, I...I..."

"Sayyy!!"

"I am really very sorry for everything", he broke the stinging silence.

"Sorry? For what!", she seemed surprised enough, though still smiling faintly.

"Like I said, for everything".

"Be specific Aditya. I don't get you and it's getting a little scary now, you know", she remarked, somewhere hoping to see him burst into laughter very soon and yell, "SURPRISE!"

Unfortunately enough, that wasn't the case.

"I've understood now, what you said then. That's why you call me a tubelight, don't you?", he tried lightening the situation.

She gaped in disbelief. "Understood what?"

"Understood that love ain't so easy, ain't so shallow, ain't so stupid. That it's important to completely know someone as a person before concluding that we're freaking in love with them! There are a hell lot of things involved! People are oft not how we think they must be!"

"What. Are. You saying Aditya?"

"Am sorry for having come and pestered you, Jahnvi. I really appreciate your patience for having borne me all this while. I had been feeling a little uneasy since quite some time, like it wasn't exactly how I had imagined. Then I tried seeing through your perspective and everything seemed crystal clear! Clear that we can't be together, that we're not "made for each other", that you and I are oh-so-different!", he completed.

"You're not serious, right? You can't do this to me!", she gasped for a breath.

"Of course I am! I'm letting you free, isn't that great!?", he seemed relieved, totally unlike her.

"I can't believe you can say all this! I can't believe you can appreciate 'my perspective' of love, when I lost mine long back, to yours! As I learned to see it the way you, used to....free spirited, letting it find its destination itself, not imposing rules and directions on our feelings! 

What I also can't believe is that you're thanking my patience for having 'borne' you all this while, when I've actually been dreaming of being always together, no matter what!
I can't believe that you think you're letting me 'free', when I've been blissfully bound in chains of love. Your love! 

I can't believe I fell in love with YOU!". 

She broke down into tears miserably after the last words. It was helpless, miserable. 

"No...no..! Look, it's not like that! See, you're giving in to temporary attachment, think the way you used to, be practical, yeah? Am not the one, seriously!", he tried to comfort her, nervously. 

But it only added to her helplessness. 

"I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE!", she yelled, "not your puppet!"

"You've cheated me!"

"I haven't. We can't be responsible for the way we feel, can we? We don't direct emotions, to go this way or that. And if mine changed, it wasn't intentional. Don't hold me responsible for it Jahnvi. I am guilty but it wasn't in my hands! And then, we're still friends, aren't we?", he sounded unbelievably at ease. 

"I do not know who is responsible and who isn't.. I do not know what went wrong, I also do not know why you, or your feelings, changed", she went on, "What I know is that, you've left in my life a stigma that'll stay for long. Real long."

"As for us being friends, I wish feelings were so easy to rewind."

"You may leave now. Your so called 'love' is over, and care mustn't be faked. It may raise hope for someone",  went her last words, blank and expressionless. 

And he left. 

Everything turned upside down. Feelings got 'exchanged' literally, leaving the one least at fault, suffering. Still, no one can be blamed.

Shall we call it a love story?